Heartache

no matter how much i want to back off from this uncertain-ship… i keep on coming back to him… my stupidity is blinding me and making me crazy. well i sleep late today as i ws on the fone with him. we talked around 2.30++ and hang up around 3.30… just the thoughts of knowing that he wanted to call makes my heart beats fast and mcm ada adrenaline rush and when he was on the fone… all i can think of is hearing his voice and try to minimise my talking and let him talk instead… ugh! y must i be this crazy? i feel lyk an idiot and like slave and there is just something that drag me to follow where ever he go. i am crazy am i? today i only contact him with a few sentences on the msn den he’s gone… i think he should be asleep ryt now. know what i feel ryt now? i feel like strangle him and shake him and shout at him y he hadn’t call me den again i told myself…"beb, u have to face the fact that he’s no yours to keep (well, just not yet or nvr will be)" oh bummer~~

life is full of surprises…just like what people keep on saying…"life is full of surprises…u nvr knw what u’l get inside" guess thats true as things happen to me lately..things that i wud nvr pray to ever happen in my life. but den again…it will not be called lyf if itz not complicated.  i also see my life today like a battleship…i mean… hmmmm…. dnt know…!

last night i dreamt abt something horrible. the moment i wake up…i’ve got tears in my eyes and i guess i’v started crying in my sleep. i really don’t know what to do… i feel my life is nothing but trouble.. if only… if only i have some medicine to make me quit all of this.. i will take that medicine…

anyway, last night o dreamt that i got to talk to him.. i was so damn happy to hear his voice..guess his voice still stuck in my head… den suddenly he said…"that i another reason y i want to talk to you".. i know that instantly, he’s refering to the other gal (if u dnt understand..plz read my earlier blog wch says… ‘my lyf now-a-days’) ..know what i said next? i said "shit!!!" he continued and said that the gal parents come to his home and ask for his hands from his parents and i think he said his parents agreed to it. he said that.. since they know each other for 6 years now.. they should be getting married.. i shouted for his name that instant and suddenly i woke up… feeling the heartache and the tears i’v cried.  oh bummer!

now m sitting alone thinking and talking to myself… asking… y must the world be so cruel? just when i was having my bath this morning… i said to myself… if i can’t make it happen dis time… i would probably quit in searching. u knw what’s ironic in love life? even tho u’r in competition yet there is only two things happen… either u win or u lose.. there is no 1st place..2nd place or 3rd place… hmmm…i really feel like quitting that time… it feels as if the world has stop moving and m in a situation where there’s a brain damage or like the blood clot where where is no flow. i feel like cracking and breakdown and cry and i thank god no1 is around me…

hmm… itz been almost 2 months i’m done with my TP and now i officially call myself jobless even tho my sister said no since i hven’t graduate yet. den again…graduation day is in 2 months tym..insyaAllah. amin. oh… b4 i 4got… i got 2nd class upper for those yg alum tau.. to those yg dh tau… TQ for the wishes… really appreciate it. doing master is not impossible 4 me now but when i think of it… m afriad of being alone and missing ppl around me. crazy me huh… every1 is fighting for the scholar…yet me… let things slip away.

things been a bit different now… as in now that we’r all grown up.. the topic of our ‘talking’ is different. i realise that… every1 is now shifthing their topic area to lyf and love lyf. looking at my frends… ada jua jelous tu…  now…most of them have some1 close to their heart.. some have gotten married and some soon are getting married…and… some even kan branak dh… congrates to all of you… and me?? well… m still single and trying to find some1 to end my single lyf with… bt even tho so… kak elia… u dnt have to continue to jodoh kan me with u guys u knw… i’ll try to find my own tho it may take time since… since… anyhow…will try ok.

after this will be things that is from me…about what’s deep inside me… so to lala… u’r the only couzn who love to read my blog so if u read this just act as if u nvr read this blog and act normal ok?

i can’t deny i gotta know few guys now… 1 strictly friends… the other 1 ask me twice to be with him but twice i rejected…i dnt know y…maybe my eyes are not going towards him…i’v tried to accept but guz i’m not…so i let it go… yet till now he’s still mc-ling and msging… am i that bad?? i guess i am huh.. and the last 1… hmm… d last 1 is the 1 dat i can’t erase form my head… yet i don’t know where i stand… what am i to him… am i just a ‘fling’ to him or is he serious? been told that at the same time he has someone else too… *repeat i’m still single*… wch equivelant to he’s not playing as we’r not an item. ok… den again… maybe if i was given a choice of the 3… i’m pretty sure i know who i’ll choose… bt den again will my family agree to it? lyf can be soooo sux!!! 1 of the nights i ever think of quitting and let him go… yet the next day i feel miserable and my head, mind and eyes back to him… crazy me again kan… i always ask myself… what if 1 day… he said "ok babe… i think i’ll end my single lyf with ‘the other gal’…i guess there’s no jodoh  between us" and stuff… will i be able to let go? that is why… i think of quitting b4 i fall deeper under the ground yet my hearts mcm memberontak and till now m still here… looking from afar wishing he’ll look my way. but hey…lyf goes on… tho itz hard… i have to try. if only u know how much i cry when i think of it. if only u know how miserable i am when i’m unable to talk to u for even a day… no wander the song says cinta membunuhku… memang pun memaningkan kan

i know u’l read my blog one day… but do u remember the other night when we were on the fone u said sing any song for you??? haha… u knw what i want to sing that tym… this might sound so crazy but i want to sing barney song for you… d part where it says…"i love you, you love me…with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you…won’t u say u love me too".. bt den got no guts to do that! haha. u still remember when my nick said ‘maybe i’m afraid” and the conversation we have that tym? i’m not thinking abt my life or afraid of my life… i’m thinking abt you and i’m afraid of losing u…  me the crazy loonatics are crazy enuf to just wait and do nothing. ugh! y must i be this crazy?

well, it’s another 6 more weeks to go for my TP and m soo looking 4wrd to it. hehe. sorry laa…i promised i’l upd8 my blog tym cuti masa tu but den bru th rajin online to update. wel, again m suppose to write my UBD journal yet i write here. dnt know y but i guess i dnt have to watch for my grammar errors.

dis week wasn’t the most favourite week of all. 1st, my jadual has been reshuffle but at d same time i’m ok with it as i dun have to sibuk2 buat my abm to 2mrw because before, i have 2 subjects in a row to think about.

2ndly, my janji dh abis. i promise my students..who get 90% and above for their test will get something 4 me. unfortunately, hehe..10 of my students get 90% and above…melayang th duit. hehe. bt no worries..ikhlas d beri as xtrinct motivation. wahaha…ya benar!

3rdly,within this weeks, i’ve been observe not by my CY nor my supervisor but 4rm UPK i think as 1 of my students is really a special gal. how i wish i can swap my class with any1 else. n u know wat?? my other students mengambang tia sudah kana liat atu. rasa kan d cangngak! sudah kana liat tu nda th durang mau kana tagur. ee…sasak! hancur my plan untuk main game dengan durang. my effort jz hilang lyk that! damn!

5th, out of no where, the 5 of us kana suruh aerobic infront of the whole school!! ya Allah. Tuhan saja yang tahu macamana hancurnya hati mendengar arahan itu!  i still hate it anyway tho itz over. thank Q to my lovely sister for tahaning my karenah. dt nite also she become my instructor tho i just sit and watch while she made all d moves! hehe. i pity her. so yesterday morning as the 4th person to show the moves…i really enjoy my chicken dance…so do the pra kids. even my students dance the chicken dance in class. hehe… tho i have to admit i’m quite satisfied. bt wt surprise me is that the students said that we look so cali aka we are the laughing clown. yea ryt! yet there’s another student who said that their teacher macam urg sakit jiwa! we have a laugh about it.

apa g ah?  entah eh. anyway..need to go and continue my LP for wednesday. so..hope all happy membaca. 

To My Friends Who Are………..SINGLE Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love’s only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

To My Friends Who Are…………NOT SO SINGLE Love isn’t about becoming somebody else’s ‘perfect person.’ It’s about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

To My Friends Who Are…………PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE Never say ‘I love you’ if you don’t care. Never talk about feelings if they aren’t there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn’t intend to catch her fall and it works both ways…

To My Friends Who Are…………MARRIED Love is not about ‘it’s your fault’, but ‘I’m sorry.’ Not ‘where are you’, but ‘I’m right here.’ Not ‘how could you’, but ‘I understand.’ Not ‘wish you were’, but ‘I’m thankful you are.’

To My Friends Who Are…………ENGAGED The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

To My Friends Who Are…………HEARTBROKEN Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

To My Friends Who Are…………NAIVE How to be in love: Fall but don’t stumble, be consistent but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.

To My Friends Who Are…………POSSESSIVE It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but it’s more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

To My Friends Who Are…………AFRAID TO CONFESS Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

To My Friends Who Are…………STILL HOLDING ON A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn’t worth it. If he isn’t worth it now he’s not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go…..

TO ALL MY FRIENDS……. My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature, never- changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

itz been a long tym since i update my blog. well, now i’v started my TP at a skool dt is near my house so that nda payah bagun begagas. 1st impression of the school was…hmm..i ask myself how long will i be able to stand the school..it’s not that the school was so very bad but i think the environment of the school make me feel this way. maybe also this is the 1st tym we actually feel the real school environment but..tym doing psychology research at Rimba..ok jua d feeling. why ah? i think the cikgu demselves jua kali paly an important role in our acceptance in the staff.

1st day of TP we just sit in the staffroon and get use to the staff’s environment. den kana suruh round the school sendiri..alamatnya tawaf lah kmi d skolah ah. apa jua kmi tau. some cikgu was ok bt some is not. as always. not every1 will accept us straight away. but i’ll wait and hang on to the string. what else??? oh ya..i was given primary 2 students but hell! i was given 2B and 2C where the naughty and special needs students combine. my favourite student are Hadif and also Arash…hahah. dey are so cuteee. but arash is a slow learner but nda kana bwa ke spec needs class. maybe masih ok kali. 2 students ja yang part tym spec need clas…so..dey need to catch up after me ajar coz tym me ajar tatabahasa durang 2 kana bawa lari. so…i have to wait 4 den tym break so dt dey can do their work.

a week of TP..me sudah damam. went to Borneo Clinic 2 days ago n dey ask me if i want my MC bt i decline ja. i dnt want to make a big fuss abt my damam. i know it willl soon be over wen i eat my med. so..no worries. its getting better now tho’. tinggal batuk ja which i’m happy because ppl say batuk is d closing for the damam part kan. hopefully banar. p terseksa bh rasanya batuk ani. yesteraday i lost my voice. dey laugh at me esp nabil and sai. dey ever write it on our calender that i brought 4rm home and write ‘kam ilang suara’.. haha..sasak! haha. menyaya is 1 of our favourite things to do to kill the time. if not, we’ll counting the days to abis d TP.

anyway, dis week. lyk at skol is full of relief-ing for other teachers who went out for the practice in Bndar 4 d national day. i lyk 3C class esp dt 1 little petite boy. haha. he makes me laugh indirectly with whatever he’s talking about. he’s not annoying bt there’s just something that makes me think. hmm… i think i’m getting use to this TP thing. ah..1 more things b4 i go…there’s 1 cute cikgu in the staff. my eyes keep on searching 4 him actually bt i dnt know y. there’s just something that when u look at him, you feel peace and all the trouble seems to fly away. hmm…ahh..he talked to me tdi while i hold mamat’s hand to the staff cause i’m bringing him home. hmm…how nice…hehehe. bila th lagi bleh dengar suaranya?

OK..nxt tym g cerita more of my lyf at my school

Hmm..Tanpa d sedari 2007 left us already. Nw itz tym to deal with 2008. Well..2007 has bring a lot of memories 2me. Things that i wil nt 4get d rest of entire lyf pn ada. Keep telling myseld jz move on with lyf n told myseld nt to dwell too much on d past bt den we are all human. We cnt erase memories…itz jz dt there’s always another side to a coin. Hmmm…Wish i cud hv dem back bt den again we human do nt hv any power wt so evr. So reality do bites.

Sum asked me wt is my resolution 4 2008. M quite shock cz my past yrs…M so happy abt it n hv my new resolution. Dis yr…al i did was stare at an open space thinking wt do i want in 2008…I cnt think of anything. Dis tym…2008 is jz another yr 4 me to go thru and try my best 2 becme d best of me. Well…Define best? So m stuck thinking n asking myself…Wt do i want to achieve in lyf anyway?

The other nyt I was transferring my gambar yang ada arah my desktop. Since people in this house jarang memakai so I decided to transfer all my pic in the desktop to my lappy sal takut krg rosak. Wen I look at it I was shock…knw y? bcz I never know I like to take pictures. Haha. The pictures that I have include:

     Tym lepak di McD. Saja2 to eat or kan tunggu gdep and fad di sana.

     My trip to Brutex for my Business Studies

     Wawasan farewell

     Teacher’s celebration in MD

     Aaaa….gambar si ‘durian’ (d guy I use to stalk)

     My maths clz…L/U 4.2

     My BE and AE registration

     Our reunion (FEMES) at rumah pitpot

     Our orientation at UBD

     Pantai on 12^th July 2005

     Hangout d’ tambing ..pasal apa tu ah? Lupa dh..itz on 22^nd January 2005

     Volunteer arah Pusat Ehsan…the most hm…lovely memories..pasal apa tu nah?

See told u I like ambil gambar bt itz jz dt Im nt a bug fan of it..Last nyt I decided to usai d pic & categories it (alum siap).Den suddenly with every picture…all d memories came back to me. 1 thing 4 sure..we lov to eat d McD!!! I hv lotz of crazy pictures hehe. Dt tym we all use 2b very cloz bt nw…? Missing all that.Rindu sangat tym dulu-dulu.We all look different. Too bad tym d STPRI I dnt hav my digi cam if not…we even look funnier.Wahaha…

Hai..i hardly gt ur pic in my digi..ko ani luan alim bh hai. Bt tym tchrs dy celebration I gt picS of u.

Yati…I have ur pic dgn Citra..i wander how is she now.

Rin…I still hav ur pic dgn ur handkerchief yg u bought d Euro Classic kah tu? Haha. Yg taruh dlm warm water den ia xpand..cute…it says “no peeping” haha.

Zura & saleha..gt a pic of kmu mkn

Far..gt urs tym u mental buat maths..haha.

Syah…I hv ur pic at McD..u put 2 chips between ur lips n u jdi vampire..funny! 

***To those yang I miss…sorry. Banyak bh gambar. Nda tau apa kn d type. Hehe.

***I think yg lain mostly tym I use my dad’s cam ja..cnt find d –ve so scan th ganya tu.

if love was a bird, then we wouldn’t have a wing. if love was a sky, we’ll be bloom. if love was a choir, u and i could nvr sing cz this love isn’t for me and you.if love was an oscar, u and i could never win cz we could never act out our part. if love is a bibble den we r lost to sin cz itz not in our heart.

so why don’t you go ur way and i go mine.leave your life and i leave mine. baby you’ll do well and i’ll be fine cz we better off separated.

if love was a fire den we have lost the spark, love never felt so cold. if love was d light den we’ll be lost in d dark left no one to hold. if love was a part where u and i were in d same scene, u and i are distance to lose. if love was an ocean den we’r just d stream cz dis love isn’t for me and you.

boy i know we have some good times so happen now we gotta say good-bye. boy you know, about you i can’t denied, can’t say i didn’t try to make it work for u and i.

you know i hurt so much but thats for us. so will the longest wide moon we lost the trust. so i won’t wait so u dnt have to see me cry. itz killing me so, why don’t you go?

-when you love someone, you’ll do anything. you’ll do all the crazy things that you can’t exlain. You shoot the moon, put out the sun.

when you love someone, you denied the truth, believe a lie. They’ll be times that you believe you could really fly but your lonely nights has just begun, when you love someone.

when you love someone, feel it deep inside nd nothing else could ever change your mind. when you want someone, when you need someone, when you love someone.

when you love someone, you sacrifice, give it everything you got and you won’t think twice. you risk it all not matter what may come. when you love someone. you shoot the moon put out the sun.

when you love someone…